Sunday, October 14, 2012

To the People of Dublin

Dear Dubliners,

I have lived in your midst for nearly 6 years now and I must say it has been an absolute pleasure. You people are friendly, fun, helpful and, like me, you’re not shy of a drink every now and then. Over the past 6 years I have really become accustomed to your way of life and I am proud to say that I now call Dublin home. Dublin is a great city and moving here has been  one of the best decisions I made in my life. Ofcourse, no marriage is perfect and I have noted some opportunities for improvement to make living in Dublin even better than it is now. So allow me to set out a couple of pointers that we can all take in and work on to make this great city even better.

Here we go:

*Tracksuits are for exercising. That’s why they make them of soft, comfy materials. If you are over the age of 12, there are 3 occasions that allow wearing a tracksuit:

- You are on your way to the gym, rugby club, pool, etc. , in any case, you plan to exercise soon.
- You are on your way back from the gym, rugby club, pool, etc. , in any case, you have just exercised and are on your way home to change into real people’s clothes.
- You are currently exercising

Being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I will allow some leeway for the following scenario: It is Sunday, you don’t plan to do anything other than laying on the couch for the rest of the day and watch Friends re-runs. You decide to go to the corner shop to pick up the paper and a tub of Ben&Jerry’s to keep you company. In this case, you might just get away with walking down the street in a tracksuit. But only just.

If you wear a tracksuit on any other occasion, like going shopping, going to the pub or walking the dog, you’re a Pauper. Big Time. If you claim that wearing a tracksuit outside the scenarios outlined above does not make you a pauper, you are most probably a knacker. Which leads me to point 2 of my Dublin Improvement Programme:

*Knackers should be shot. All of them. No trial, no jury, straight to execution. You are a burden to our society, a nuissance to normal people and an annoyance to the tourists that bring in so much money in this difficult time for our country. The amount of money the country will save on dole payments when you’re all gone will be sufficient to pay off the IMF in 2 or 3 years. Everybody wins. We will transport you all to the courtyard of Mountjoy Prison, where you will be given a number and then you can wait for execution. It is similar to waiting in the dole queue so you should be familiar with it. We will take the cost of the bullet and the wage of the executioner out of your family’s next dole payment. Goodbye.

* The fact that you have a pram to drive one of your kids arround does not entitle you to the right to block supermarket aisles, shop entrances and sidewalks. It also does not allow you to drive it into my shins, no matter how often you say ‘saaahwrrry’. And while we’re on the subject of bumping into shins, the next person that hits my legs with a shopping bag can pick up their purchases from the bottom of the Liffey.

* Those grey and black steel containers that you will find along most city streets are trash cans (or litter bins, as I think you people prefer to call them). They are put there by Dublin City Council for collecting trash (litter). The idea is that if you have an empty Lucozade bottle, cider can, cigarette pack or burger wrapper, you put them in these containers. A representative from the Dublin City Council Waste Department will come and collect it later, for your convenience, free of charge. Isn’t that a great service? Use it.

* Build a subway, A city the size of Dublin should have one. They did it in London in 1863, in Budapest in 1896 and in New York in 1904. Hell, even in Rotterdam we built one in the 1960s. It’s not that difficult: you dig a tunnel, stick a train in it and off you go.

* I appreciate that your dog has to go to the toilet and that you don’t want him or her to go in your house. So when you walk your dog to make him (or her) do the business, clean up after he or she is finished.Dog shit on the sidewalks is a smelly, dirty and disgusting sight. I bet you wouldn’t want me to take a shit on your doorstep.

* Adding chips to a deep fried snack does not make it a ‘meal’. Seriously, it doesn’t. If you add chips to a deep fried snack, you should simply call it ‘..and chips’. And no, adding a can of Pepsi does not make any difference.

So, here you are, these are my recommendations to make Dublin an even better place to live. I think that if we all use these pointers, this will improve the city as one of Europe’s great capitals.
And with that, I will leave you for now. I raise my glass and thank you all, Dubliners of all nationalities,  for the past 6 amazing years and I hope to live among you for the foreseeable future.


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