Hi everyone, Today’s topic is getting killed. Don’t run away immediately though, it’s not about you personally. The reason for this topic is that, last week, I watched the 2009 remake of 1980s horror classic Friday the 13th and as today is Halloween, it looked like the right subject. I have seen hundreds of horror movies in my life and I have noticed certain behavioural treats in the people that play in these movies, and nearly all of their behaviour is plain stupid. As I mentioned, it is Halloween today, the world wide celebration of all things gloomy and macabre, so I have drawn up a list of sure-fire ways to get killed if you’re in a horror movie. Here we go:
- - When you plan a weekend away with your friends, make sure to choose a spot in the middle of nowhere, and preferrably in the middle of a densely forested area like Maryland or North-Western Pennsylvania. Even better would be, ofcourse, to choose a state that consists mainly of woods, like New Hampshire or Washington. Apart from the feeling of being lost in the wilderness, this will enhance the sensation of knowing that any outback law-enforcement personnel will have trouble locating you and coming to your rescue. When picking your spot, it helps to create additional diversion in the form of rugged mountains to hinder a possible escape, or a lake which, apart from cutting off a possible escape route (Ian Thorpe would loose the ability to swim if he was in a horror movie) will also allow you to go waterskiing, surfing or engage in other fun outdoor activities that increase the possibility of you falling off a cliff, getting maimed by an outboard engine, or shot with a cross bow by the psycho killer from the relative safety of the dense foliage.
- - Ofcourse, being the experienced wilderness camper that you are, you have brought flash light torches, a GPS Unit and mobile phones. What is absolutely crucial, though, is that you make sure that these devices all have batteries that are only about 50% charged when the movie starts. This will ensure that, when the going gets though, you will loose power on your GPS (don’t know where you are), your cell phone (Can’t call the cops) and, finally, your flash light(You are now alone in the dark with a mad, axe wielding serial killer)
- If you go camping, make sure that the camp fire fizzles out around midnight because, incidentally,this is the favorite time for mad psychotic murderers to go out for their late night walk. One of your group will hear a sound somewhere in the undergrowth and go out to see if it is a bear. This is, ofcourse, stupid enough because the last thing you want to do is disturb a bear, in the middle of the night, that can’t sleep because it’s hungry and just found that his roommate finished off the bag of Doritos. Well, you’re lucky, it wasn’t a bear. The downside to this is that it was an insane loner who has been living in these woods for 15 years, on his own (apart from his mother’s corpse, ofcourse) and therefore is not really used to company.
- - If you are the rich kid and decide to go out to your parents’ log cabin with your friends, make sure the phone and power lines are laying around on the surface, or in any case are easily accessible. So by the time you start to realise that something is wrong (normally this moment of clarity occurs when 3 of your friends are dead) the maniac killer will have had time to cut the phone lines, leaving you unable to call the cops.
- - While holed up in the log cabin, make sure you don’t stick together as a group. The best thing to do is either break some furniture or drink the last beer. This will cause your friends to be upset and demand that you get some tools to fix what you just broke, or a new case of beer. This always involves a trip to a dark and distant toolshed, accidentally an ideal hangout for a serial killer. When your friend does not return with the screwdriver, or beers, this is clearly a sign that he has found a good pub in the woods, so the next person can go out and join him. When you hear something outside, go outside one by one to check out what it is. (Hint: it is not a raccoon).
- - Have sex. Everybody who has ever had sex in a horror movie, dies. The only exception to this rule occurred in the 2000 movie Cherry Falls, in which the mad slasher goes around killing off all virgins at the local high school, which leaves us with the original scenario of all teenagers in town desperately trying to have sex.
Come to think of it, this is not really very original at all.
The big advantage of having sex in a horror movie is that you can get killed in many interesting ways: you could be gutted from below the bed, as the killer has sneaked under your log cabin and pokes the machete through a hole in the floorboards and into your back. Alternatively, he can cut through your tent, if you’re camping, or come through a side window when you have just finished having sex and are now walking through a dark and quiet part of the house, dressed only in your underwear. It all makes sense. And while we’re on it:
- - Be the most beautiful girl in the group. The beautiful girl always gets killed and so will the quarterback/rich kid. Fortunately, the beautiful girl is also usually a bit bitchy, so the audience don’t really care that much. If you want to seriously improve your chances of survival, you’re better off being the timid girl that nobody really notices until the pretty girl gets killed.
- - Rather than calling the police as soon as you discover that there’s a mad man with a Very Big and Very Sharp Knife out there in the woods, leave it for a bit longer, at the very least until it’s late at night. You shouldn’t be able to contact the cops because the killer has normally cut the phone wires, but you may be lucky and have a lazy killer on your hands. Even if you do get through to the local sherriff’s office, the only officer there will be a fat traffic cop on night shift, who was looking forward to spending the night watching Magnum, P.I. reruns and eating donuts. He will reluctantly leave his office, whiping crums from his mouth with the back of his hand, and drive into the woods, where he will find a dark and quiet log cabin. He will grab another donut and, while eating it, he will be attacked from behind by the killer and end up dead, with a knife in his back and jelly down the front of his shirt.
- - When dawn breaks and the sunlight returns, though hesitantly, you will have a chance at killing the killer. You will first miss your chance by missing the killer’s head with the baseball bat while he was already lying on the floor, ready for the final blow, or by sending your only bullet into the roof. Don’t worry, you will get another chance and this time you will kill the psycho. In the final scene of the movie, you can be found either walking away from the cabin, leaving the killer for dead, or by dumping his body in the woods or the lake. While you walk off into the sunshine, the camera will turn back to the corpse/lake where you will see the body twitch or the killer open one eye, setting us up nicely for a sequel.
Horror movies are great fun to watch, even though the story line generally follows only 1 or 2 possible scenarios, but if you stick to these rules for getting killed in enormously stupid ways, we will enjoy watching them for many years, and sequels, to come.
Happy Halloween everyone!